God made us for connection and for healthy relationships. In Scripture, God tells us that His design for marriage is for a man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, allowing husband and wife to become one flesh. “Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24 KJV).This principle sounds great in theory, but often both “leaving” and “cleaving” can be difficult to implement in real time. In this article, I will offer you some practical tips to help you live out the challenging first part of this principle—leaving and cleaving.  

Leaving and cleaving to your spouse is quite a transition in marriage; you leave behind singleness, accountability and connectedness to your family of origin—of mother, father and possibly siblings. So far family relationships have mainly influenced your thinking and point of view, but now a major transition will occur. In marriage, two individuals come together to forge their own adult union—a union without interference from the outside world. Forging this union is a difficult process, and often requires two mature adults with similar values able to manage conflict and learn to appreciate each other’s unique gifts and contributions to the relationship.  

If you’re in a new marriage, here are some principles to help you effectively leave and cleave:

1. Establish that you’re on the same team. A good illustration is a sports team: When a team is trying to reach successful goals, they communicate with each other; there’s back and forth between the coach and the players. They don’t tell the opposing team what their winning plays are. In a marriage, one partner doesn’t disrespect the other by going outside of their circle and telling unfamiliar people negative information about their partner (unless, of course, there is abuse, abandonment, or a dangerous situation at play).

• Work through normal conflict by talking things out; communicate your differences without overreacting emotionally. Remember, all us have been given a unique, God-given voice to express our feelings. It takes a mature person to appreciate and value someone else’s perspective if it conflicts with their own. Learning to listen in a relationship is a skill that all of us must cultivate. Controlling your emotions and responding to someone you disagree with civilly and respectfully can be a difficult skill to learn. Often, triggers from our past hurts can hinder us from responding in a calm and civil way. 

• Encourage and support each other to achieve personal goals. Marriage requires—not co-dependency, or severe dependence upon one another—but interdependency. This means we’re two independent people who come together with our own uniqueness, personal preferences, and goals. But we can learn to establish both individual and collective goals in our marriage. It’s so important for us to support and encourage each another in our achievement of goals that are practical, realistic, and promote harmony and unity within our marriage. Most of the time, people want to get their own emotional needs met in a relationship. But taking the high road of modeling love and respect, even when things don’t go your way, can be a winning prescription for achieving a productive, successful, and satisfying marriage.

Big Idea:  We can’t always avoid stress, as it is a part of life.  However, we can neutralize stress by implementing some positive life giving principles.  This blog will focus on some practical and useful principles, which if employed, will help to manage stress.

A commonly accepted definition of stress is that it is something that is experienced when a person perceives that demands exceed the personal and social resources the individual is able to mobilize.  One example is a situation where an individual has more debt than financial resources; another example in the workplace is an individual that is not working in her or her area of gifting, so is having a difficult time completing a given project.  Another illustration is an employee who is struggling with multiple stressors at the same time.  For example, going through a divorce, struggling with financial debt, and having career struggles all at the same time.  When stress happens, a physiological response to an internal or external stimulus happens that can trigger the fight or flight response.

Some people have great coping mechanisms and know how to manage the fight or flight response. Others have a difficult time and stress can result in depression, anxiety, time off from work and both physical and emotional illness.

Here are some practical ways to help you to manage the stressors that come into your life.

1.  Know Who You Are – Understand your personal strengths and weaknesses as they relate to your goals and objectives, both personally and professionally.  
   Everyone has areas where they are great and not so great.  If you know who you are, you will learn to take on things that fit your personality and gifting better, thereby reducing your level of stress.
2. Learn to Set Boundaries – Think of boundaries as an adjustable emotional fence; let the fence down when you want to take on more responsibility, and put the fence up when you need to set limits.  Know your limits and stick to them as necessary in all aspects of life.  
3.  Practice effective time management- Assess the value of your time, understand how to use it effectively, and improve your patterns.
4. Balance work with rest, relaxation, family time and fun!  In other words, learn to enjoy life. You can’t take any of it with you!
5.  There is wisdom in applying a scriptural principle in managing stress.  Surrender to a power greater than yourself.  It comes from Matthew 6:25-27.  It reads …Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.   ^[1]

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^[1]The Holy Bible : New International Version. electronic ed. Grand Rapids : Zondervan, 1996, c1984, S. Mt 6:26-27

When I was a little girl, I loved the story of the Wizard of Oz.  I followed Dorothy’s journey as she followed a heart determined to find a way back home.  Once she found the wizard, she soon discovered the magic to get back home was not what she thought it would be—the wizard did not have the power to grant her request.  She discovered that God had already placed the answer to her problems within her.  

All of her traveling companions, the lion, the scarecrow and the tin man, in the process of their search developed the character qualities that they thought would come from an external source.  During the journey of looking for courage, a heart, and some brains, they soon discovered that the journey provided the opportunity to strengthen the God given qualities that were already within them, but needed to be tested and brought out through adversity. Real life is a lot like the Wizard of Oz story.  It is a journey that can be filled with excitement and joy of a long-awaited desire. It can also contain long seasons of adversity that are sometimes met with the unknown. These seasons can represent uncertainty, change, difficult transitions, unmet expectations and disappointment.  In life’s journey,  however, God often uses things like change and transition to  develop character, renew  purpose,  and grow closer to him as well as  assist others  along their journey.  

Change, transition, and moving forward are all words that describe the seasons of life.  On one hand, these words can trigger fear of the unknown, anxiety and worry about the future.  On the other hand, these words can stand for excitement, new beginnings, and positive change. Transitions take some time getting used to.  It is the process of gradually learning how to adapt to and accept change while learning the life skills necessary  to make life work effectively.  An illustration of a transitional season is the idea of going from being single to being married.  When I was a single person many years ago, my mindset and focus was that of a single person.   I was only concerned about being responsible for and developing myself. When I decided to get married, it took me time to realize that the choices I made affected my spouse.  And there were consequences for these choices.  Conflict erupted because of having a single mindset.  An example was when I wanted to decorate our home, he wanted to have input into the decision-making process.  I had the mindset of always doing things my way.  I had to stop thinking about what I wanted and had to start including my spouse in the decision-making process.  When I wanted to spend “my” money any way I desired, I began to see that my narrow thinking  affected our financial goals on building something together that we both could benefit from.  Scripture tells us that a house divided against itself cannot stand.  I had to start considering our goals instead of just my goals.  This involved thinking differently as well as learning some new tools of conflict management and communicating more effectively.   

Another transition was when we started having a family; I remember still having the mindset of a married person without children.  I remember telling a colleague about my dreams and goals and where I wanted to land before I turned 30. I was an intensely driven, type “A” personality making it happen in my career.  I was working on a master’s degree and working full time with a husband and was pregnant with our first child.      Soon the question came “So, what are your plans when your child arrives?  Do you plan on continuing to work and go to school”?  I really did not have an answer to my friends   question and at the time just flipped her off by answering in some ambiguous, non-accountable way such as “Oh, yes, I have considered that”.  However, God used that question to stop me dead in my tracks.   God was trying to open my blind eyes to  see that  the transition that I was making was an important one and needed  the same type of energy and planning that I put into my  other life choices.  He was trying to teach to me to enjoy the journey and make the most out of the season that I was in instead of trying to hurry out of it.  He was trying to assist me to understand the importance of the parenting role and the stewardship that he had blessed us with as parents.    If I am always living for the next season, then I cannot enjoy the present season that I am in and the lessons that might come from that season.  

In making transitions, sometimes our past can get in the way of helping us to see clearly.  Meet Bob and Sue.   Bob and Sue came into my office for premarital counseling.  He made his feelings known about his commitment to marry Sue.   “I really want to marry Sue, I love her”.  “Well”, she responded, “what are you going to do about your mother “?  “You always put your mom first, ahead of me”, she stated. “No, I don’t,” he added. “I’ve just been used to listening to her advice because she has a lot of wisdom”, he responded.   “Well, Sue retorted, you are already asking her for an opinion before you ask me, and I am supposed to be your partner”. 

Making this transition will be difficult for Bob because dad died when he was young, and he is used to helping mom with the daily struggles of life.  In order for him to make the transition to the mindset of leaving and cleaving, he has to see the pattern that has been established in his life. Once he sees it, then he can do something about it.  If he stays in denial about the pattern, he will continue to have the conflict.  Adopting the biblical principle of leaving and cleaving is necessary if he is to form a healthy foundation for his marriage relationship.  

Some seasons are difficult, and all require cultivating or learning faith-based truth principles to meet the demands of the new season that you are in. For example, becoming a parent for the very first time doesn’t come with an automatic manual.  There are biblically based principles on parenting, stewardship, and family priorities in God’s word that can give you new tools. Retraining for a different career, learning to balance both career and family, sending your only child away to college and becoming an empty nester, getting through menopause  and embracing the second part of your life all require an ability to adapt and change and flow into the new season with flexibility, a teachable heart, and acceptance. 

What about those transitions that may be unexpected, such as a divorce or death of a spouse.  How does one cope with the crises of divorce or loss and recover effectively?  Here are a few principles that can help you through these difficult transitions.

• Cultivate a positive faith-based perspective about change and transitions-   I am a ten year cancer survivor and was diagnosed with breast cancer twice, once in l994 and then again in 1997.  I have been cancer free for over ten years.  I was in my clinical practice at the time enjoying working with my patients and helping them with their difficult issues when I was diagnosed.  It was a difficult place to be emotionally.  The one thing that helped me through it was not only a loving family to speak faith into my life but my own personal relationship with a powerful God who I believe loved me and had a purposeful plan for my life.    I looked to His word to give me guidance and direction during this difficult time.  During the time of my own crises, I clung to God as never before, and felt His presence in helping me to get through this illness.  Looking to His word gave me both comfort and direction and assurance that He was watching out over my life (Psalm 121) during these crises.     

•  Establish a healthy Support System- During times of change and transition, it is important to find safe people that will support you through the transition.  In my clinical practice of over eighteen years, I’ve seen that people who recover from crises successfully seem to have healthy and loving people around them who provide encouragement and support.  If you don’t have a healthy support system, then you can develop one by finding a healthy church that teaches both biblically based and life application principles for effective living.  Also, most churches offer small groups that can  offer a loving, safe, and growth filled environment.

• Face your pain- Some transitions require doing the work of grieving.  In my work with people who have gone through loss, such as death or divorce of a spouse, it is important to allow time for grieving.  When such loss occurs, various emotions can take over, which  involve the various  stages of grief.  These can include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then finally acceptance.   Working through loss is not easy, even when it is by choice such as a divorce. If a person moves on too quickly, instead of facing or working through their loss, they can make decisions that can cause them a lot of pain in the future.  

• Seek medical treatment or professional counseling- Some transitions require professional counseling, and some require medical treatment.  For example, if a person is undergoing physical changes due to menopause, it may be helpful to seek a physician’s advice.  For someone struggling with clinical depression because of a major loss, it may be necessary to seek professional counseling.    The bible says that there is wisdom in many counselors, so there is no stigma attached to seeing someone who can give Godly counsel. A good therapist or psychologist can facilitate insight into the loss and also help the person understand the process of grieving and the emotions associated with it.

Perhaps the biggest tool that is available  in helping you through difficult transitions is to know that you are loved and valued by a personal, powerful and loving God who has a great plan for your life.  Even when you are discouraged because of unexpected disappointment in the transition, you have to take hold of the promise that God is still shaping your life and has not forgotten you.  He is still in control no matter what difficulty you are working through or what lies in front of you.  And he is still speaking and employing His redemptive grace in your life.

 Naomi, the woman described in the book of Ruth knew about God’s redemptive grace. She had experienced multiple losses on several levels. Picture this, you’re in a foreign land, and your immediate family, your husband and your sons die.  Imagine how you might feel, lonely, depressed, devastated, angry and unloved.   Your finances are gone!  Bankrupt!   On top of all of this, there is a famine in the land, which is severe.  It sure does not feel like she has anything to hold onto.  She finally remembers, however, that the LORD had come to the aid of her people in Jerusalem, and she decides to head towards a safe place which represents truth, light and life.  As she and her daughter in law Ruth move towards the new place, Bethlehem, God begins to guide and direct their paths in ways that bring much fruit and blessing to their lives. 

Naomi’s transition back to Bethlehem is difficult.  She starts off in despair.  As she greets her former friends upon her return to Bethlehem she says “Don’t call me Naomi, she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.  I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty.  Why call me Naomi?  The Lord has afflicted me; the almightily has brought misfortune upon me”.  (Ruth 1: 20-21).  I can relate to Naomi’s pain.  Sometimes it is difficult to see a bright future when the circumstances look bleak.  Naomi is a good model for us because even though she had a hopeless perspective, she moved towards God and not away from Him by heading to Bethlehem.

Naomi is so discouraged during this transition that she tells both of her daughter in laws (the only support system she has left is in Moab)  not to even bother  taking the trip to Jerusalem with her.   She tells them that there is nothing in it for them. “Return home, my daughters, why would you come with me?  Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husband’s?  Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband.  Even if I thought there was still hope for me—even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons– would you wait until they grew up? Would you remain unmarried for them? No, my daughters.  It is bitterer for me than for you, because the Lord’s hand has gone out against me!”     (Ruth 1: 11-13)  Orpah leaves, but Ruth clings to her bitter mother in law. 

Upon their arrival in Bethlehem, Ruth gets a job as a gleaner working in the fields to support them.  As it turns out, she happens to be working in a field where a man named Boaz is the owner. Boaz just happens to be a wealthy relative on Naomi’s side of the family.   Naomi’s understanding was first darkened due to her losses and she did not see any hope for her future, as she moves through the transition with a good support system, her friends and her daughter in law, she starts remembering that Boaz is a close relative and could redeem their difficult situation.  

 Boaz falls in love with Ruth, they get married, and they have a son named Obed.  She starts seeing God’s hand in orchestrating the restoration of their lives.  Whereas Naomi thought her legacy was over, here then comes the Lord rewriting history.  Obed is from the generational line that leads to Jesus Christ.  

 Both Ruth and Naomi’s lives are restored! The legacy is alive and well, and where there was death and destruction, now there is life, peace and joy.  Boaz was called a “kinsmen redeemer”, that is, he was a wealthy relative who was available to marry the dead man’s widow and provide for her.   Jesus is the ultimate kinsmen redeemer.  He brings life to dark places; he restores broken things and gives us strength to get through difficult seasons and the grace to move towards the great plan and destiny that he has for our lives.  

In my work as a Christian therapist for over twenty-five years, I have discovered many valuable insights.  Perhaps the first and most significant insight is that Christian counseling is a “calling” and a sacred trust.  This means that we must take seriously the lives and souls that we meet and provide the best quality of care to help people to live Christ centered lives.   

 The second significant truth that I have learned as a Christian Therapist over many years is that the more that we allow Christ to transform our lives through His transformative power, grace, and His principles, the more effective we become at helping others live healthy balanced lives.   

Over the years, I have had the privilege of sitting with many people from all walks of life and I’ve found one theme is prevalent—people tend to repeat patterns from their past that can hinder their growth and keep them stuck from achieving all the great things that God has for them.   Examples of these negative patterns are presented in my book, Move Past your Pain, Discover Your purpose. 

The book gives principles and case studies of how generational cycles can repeat if we are not aware of them. This post, with its focus on the nine principles that are spelled out in the book, is designed to become a small group study that will guide clinicians and lay counselors in assisting people to recover their lives. The platform for the six to nine-week study is presented below:

Week 1

My Story:  The first chapter in the book provides a guide for clinicians to use by allowing them to look at the authors personal story and then to model for clients their own personal story in a group setting.  This principle comes from the biblical principle that we are all broken in some area of our lives.  (Romans 3:23)   Modeling transparency and vulnerability to the client of the therapist’s background gives the client permission to look at themselves without judgement or criticism.  As the the clinician and or lay counselor guides the client to write their own story and then share it in a small confidential closed group, therapists and lay counselors are encouraged to validate their stories and encourage personal growth, and identify future therapeutic goals.   

Week 2

Patterns that Repeat:  Clinicians will help people to construct a genogram that will give them a visual of their background, family of origan, and patterns that connect to current issues in their lives that may need to be dealt with.  Examples are given in Move Past Your Pain.

Week 3

Stress and Patterns:  Clinicians and lay counselors will help to identify past and current stressors and coping mechanisms that are used to handle stress. Healthy methods are illustrated of how to handle past and current stressors and how to cope in a Christ Centered way.  Old behaviors are identified and a journal is kept on implementing new coping behaviors.

Week 4

Generational Patterns: Clinicians will help clients identify negative patterns that repeat throughout their adult lives and then identify tools to reverse these patterns. Biblical models are also used to show that these can be universal problems and not just unique to clients who are struggling

Week 5 

Taking Charge and Overcoming Denial: Clinicians/counselors will help clients not to minimize or discount destructive patterns.  Half of the battle for clients is taking responsibility to own and deal with their issues.  When there is emotional pain, it is difficult to face painful truths.

Week 6

Learning to Think Differently:  Clinicians and lay counselors will use a cognitive behavioral approach to help clients change their thinking if it is causing them to be stuck in some area of their lives.  

Week 7

Magical Thinking, Faith, and The Fight: Clinicians and lay counselors help clients embrace the reality of their situation and apply faith based principles to their situation.    Also, clinicians will help clients apply practical solutions to their lives and give tools in joining with the client in fighting the spiritual battle that is against all believers.

Week 8

Building a Positive Legacy for the Next generation: Clinicians and lay counselors will model and express the importance of healthy modeling to the next generation and give examples.

Week 9

Forgiving Others, Forgiving Ourselves: Clinicians and lay counselors will provide biblical and personal illustrations from Dr. Simms book to identify why the principle of forgiveness in our lives is so necessary for healing ourselves and others.

Life is filled with both good and bad surprises!  

It’s nice when everything in our lives is going well. When we make plans and dream, and do business as usual. But what happens when adversity weighs in and seems to take over our lives? When the pain seems paralyzing?  

That’s what recently happened to me. I was working in my clinical practice, enjoying pouring into people’s lives and basking in an abundance of physical energy that I’ve always taken for granted.

It started with a dry cough—that was all. No other symptoms. My husband noticed it and suggested that I go in and get checked. But I dismissed it as lung irritation from all the wildfire smoke we were being exposed to in Southern California. 

At the time I actually felt great—having just lost some weight and keeping up with my 10,000 steps per day—so I wasn’t concerned. 

We went on vacation to Texas and enjoyed family time, and I had no idea I was about to face such a serious illness. The coughing increased upon our return from Texas, so my husband took me to the emergency room. They took an X-ray immediately and discovered that I had bilateral pneumonia in both lungs. The doctor admitted me to the hospital in order to fight this illness aggressively. He described my condition as a “big pneumonia” and said it could take three to six months to recover.

Usually I’m a pretty healthy person. I recover quickly and hit the ground running like a rabbit. But this time my “big pneumonia” eventually became an auto-immune problem that would take some time to heal and force me to rest. 

Rest—that’s a word that I’m not used to, either. I like keeping busy and feeling productive. And though I’m grateful I will recover from this illness, I’ve felt so many losses from not being able to keep up with my normal routine. I’ve discovered that dealing with losses in income, energy and feeling purposeless and unproductive can lead easily to discouragement and depression, and result in the cultivation of daily pity parties.  

Thankfully, when I do get discouraged, I can look back at past experiences and remember how God has seen me through much adversity. I’ve had my share of pain. I’ve survived breast cancer twice, and my husband had a subdural hematoma in 2012 which came with a lot of uncertainty. But he’s doing quite well now with no residual affects! A few years ago, my daughter had a surgery that became serious and life threating. She is doing great now, and we are grateful that she’s healthy!

God has been faithful through all of this adversity. I’ve learned how to lean on Him for His peace, love, comfort and direction and to really cry out to Him for His amazing grace and mercy in my circumstances. 

Below are some principles that have helped me in my recovery. My prayer is that they will help you also. Recovery from an illness or loss usually involves a marathon, not a sprint. In other words, it takes time. 

Here are a few short principles:

• Prioritize what is most valuable – that’s YOU! Slow down and take care of yourself.   Slowing down requires letting go and surrendering to what is directly in front of you and taking one step at a time. It means redefining priorities and rethinking what is most important (instead of merely what you think is important). It means giving yourself permission to let go of whatever drains your time, finances, and energy.  

• Reframe your thinking – Often when we don’t feel well, we can dwell on all the negative aspects of a situation. But are you also able to recognize the positive aspects? Are you open to learning some great lessons that might propel you forward into a better quality of life? If you are entrenched in seeing the negative, it will be difficult to embrace the changes that can invite a new season into your life.    

• Grieve the losses – Experiencing an illness can bring about great loss—loss of time, loss of resources, loss of independence. Sometimes we need help grieving our losses with a clergy member, a therapist, or a friend. Grieving helps us let go of and forgive the past and enables us to accept a new normal. 

• Rely and lean on the One who promises to never leave or forsake you, the One who knows the days that He has ordained for you. Cultivate a personal relationship with Jesus and believe that God loves you and wants the best for your life!