God made us for connection and for healthy relationships. In Scripture, God tells us that His design for marriage is for a man to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, allowing husband and wife to become one flesh. “Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24 KJV).This principle sounds great in theory, but often both “leaving” and “cleaving” can be difficult to implement in real time. In this article, I will offer you some practical tips to help you live out the challenging first part of this principle—leaving and cleaving.  

Leaving and cleaving to your spouse is quite a transition in marriage; you leave behind singleness, accountability and connectedness to your family of origin—of mother, father and possibly siblings. So far family relationships have mainly influenced your thinking and point of view, but now a major transition will occur. In marriage, two individuals come together to forge their own adult union—a union without interference from the outside world. Forging this union is a difficult process, and often requires two mature adults with similar values able to manage conflict and learn to appreciate each other’s unique gifts and contributions to the relationship.  

If you’re in a new marriage, here are some principles to help you effectively leave and cleave:

1. Establish that you’re on the same team. A good illustration is a sports team: When a team is trying to reach successful goals, they communicate with each other; there’s back and forth between the coach and the players. They don’t tell the opposing team what their winning plays are. In a marriage, one partner doesn’t disrespect the other by going outside of their circle and telling unfamiliar people negative information about their partner (unless, of course, there is abuse, abandonment, or a dangerous situation at play).

• Work through normal conflict by talking things out; communicate your differences without overreacting emotionally. Remember, all us have been given a unique, God-given voice to express our feelings. It takes a mature person to appreciate and value someone else’s perspective if it conflicts with their own. Learning to listen in a relationship is a skill that all of us must cultivate. Controlling your emotions and responding to someone you disagree with civilly and respectfully can be a difficult skill to learn. Often, triggers from our past hurts can hinder us from responding in a calm and civil way. 

• Encourage and support each other to achieve personal goals. Marriage requires—not co-dependency, or severe dependence upon one another—but interdependency. This means we’re two independent people who come together with our own uniqueness, personal preferences, and goals. But we can learn to establish both individual and collective goals in our marriage. It’s so important for us to support and encourage each another in our achievement of goals that are practical, realistic, and promote harmony and unity within our marriage. Most of the time, people want to get their own emotional needs met in a relationship. But taking the high road of modeling love and respect, even when things don’t go your way, can be a winning prescription for achieving a productive, successful, and satisfying marriage.