Dr. Mary M. Simms

Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

It is the beginning of a new year, an opportunity for a do over. I do not play golf, but there is a term that
I learned years ago in golf called a “mulligan” which means you can take the shot over. I like that
concept. God is like that. He allows us to do things repeatedly until we get things right. God’s character
reflects His desire to provide us with mercy and grace. His grace is never ending and if we ask Him, He
always forgives us, wipes our slates clean, and having a clean blank canvas, we are free to move freely
and forward again. The idea of a second chance gives us hope. The word Hope means clinging to
possibilities. The possibility of joy again, heath, financial success, a healthy relationship, healed
marriage, all come to mind.

Here are a few principles to help you move freely and forward again.

1. Grab onto hope’s possibilities. Do not allow your past to define who you are today. Use past
   regrets and failures as a springboard to learn from them but not to stay stuck because of them.
2. Develop a plan and aim high. Write down some of your goals, both personal and professional.
   Check in with them quarterly to see where you are and the progress you are making. Be flexible
   and change with the season or the time. Be realistic and practical in setting goals.
3. Combine both your faith and your work to accomplish your goals. The idea here is that God
   wants all our plans to succeed but we must cooperate with Him to make it happen!
   But someone will say, “one person has faith another has actions.” My answer is, “Show me how
   anyone can have faith without actions. I will show you my faith by my actions.” Good News
   Version James 2:18

We were celebrating our 47th wedding anniversary at the beach and my husband wanted to go for a walk on the sand down by the water. I was having a bah hum bug moment and really wanted to walk on the concrete near the water but not on the sand. I decided to go along with his request and made the decision that I would enjoy myself. What an amazing time we had! We saw so many birds including Sandpipers, Seagulls, and Pelicans. Then an amazing surprise! From the shore we could see the fin of an animal in the water. Was it a shark? Then, suddenly, a dolphin appeared out of the water doing acrobatic feats that one only hopes to see if you are out on a boat in the ocean or at a paid amusement park like Sea World, not from the shore! The birds and the dolphins were having fun just doing what they were created to do. It dawned on me that they were not carrying any burdens, but just enjoying the beautiful big blue ocean that God created.

At that moment, God reminded me that like the dolphin, we are not meant to carry heavy burdens either. He provides for them, so He will provide for us. Just watching the playfulness of that dolphin enjoying himself in the water inspired me to put off those things that can entangle us and weight us down. Let us practice having less bah hum bug moments and run this life race with joy, vibrancy and a strong faith in a living and loving God who provides for and takes care of us.

Matthew 5:26
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly
Father; feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

In thinking about God’s blue print or design for our lives, we don’t always see the great purpose that God has for us as we continue to follow His leading. As our purpose begins to unfold, one of the principles that I outlined in the last blog was how important it is to have a solid foundation.   Just as a foundation is critical to building a house that will endure, in spiritual terms, we also need a strong foundation on which to anchor our lives.  In Rick Warrens book, Purpose Driven Life, he talks about how we were created for a purpose. He says “There is an alternative to speculation about the meaning and purpose of life.  It’s revelation.  We can turn to what God has revealed about life in His word. The easiest way to discover the purpose of an invention to ask the creator of it.  The same is true for discovering your life’s purpose: Ask God”.

Living as a faith filled person involves staying connected in a personal way to a living and loving God, who wants to bless our lives in amazing ways.  As a Christian therapist, I’m always working on helping myself and others integrate their faith into practical and successful living.  This does not happen without developing and going through both the joys and trials of life.  Life always involves process.    A good online dictionary definition of process is a systematic series of actions directed to some end.  We all desire to be directed to some end; having better relationships, improving our finances,  developing a more successful and effective career, enjoying a better marriage with our spouse and having more effective relationships with our children.  Process is not easy as most people including myself would like to skip some of the process and jump to the desired final outcome. Without the process, however, there would be no successful outcome or growth that ultimately results in a beautiful design.

Process can be painful because it takes some emotional work on our part to look inside of ourselves to work through our own fears or past failures so that we can get a clean slate and have the courage to start again.  The great good news is that God is always working in our lives to help us through the process if we are willing to take action steps that will lead us towards great purpose! 

Do you ever wish that you had an app to help you get your life back on track?  

Unfortunately such a device doesn’t exist—and if it did, you would not need a therapist. It takes a lot of compassion, trust-building, safety, and the use of effective tools to help people solve problems.

Working as a Christian therapist for over three decades, I’ve done everything from helping couples restore seemingly shattered marriages to empowering victims of abuse. The work is hard and never glamorous, but I believe Christian counseling is truly a calling from God—a sacred trust. We must take people’s lives and souls seriously, providing the best quality of care to help them live Christ-centered lives.

I’ve also learned that the more we allow Christ to transform our own lives through His transformative power, grace, and principles, the more effective we become at helping others live healthy, balanced lives.

Of the many clients that I’ve worked with over the years, I’ve found one prevalent theme: people tend to repeat patterns from their past. These patterns can keep them stuck, hinder their growth, and hold them back from achieving all the great things God has for them. It’s something I explore more extensively with case studies in my book, Move Past Your Pain, Discover Your Purpose: Overcoming Negative Generation Patterns to Achieve Your Best Life.

Below is a nine-step framework you can use to help clients begin the process of recognizing and breaking these negative generational cycles:

1. Be transparent and authentic.

Tell clients your story. Allow them to take a look at your life,  and encourage them to share their stories with you. Modeling transparency and vulnerability for clients in this way gives them permission to look at themselves without judgment or criticism. If we’re honest, all of us are broken in some area of our lives (Romans 3:23). Also, within this setting, you can validate your clients’ stories, encourage personal growth, and identify future therapeutic goals.

2. Identify patterns that repeat. 

Construct a genogram that will give your clients a visual of their background, family of origin, and patterns that connect to current issues in their lives that may need to be addressed.

3. Identify current and past stress patterns.

Help clients identify past and current stressors and coping mechanisms used to handle that stress. Illustrate healthy ways to respond, showing how to handle stress and cope in a Christ-centered way. Point out old behaviors and encourage your clients to keep a journal while implementing new coping behaviors.

4. Determine generational patterns.

Work with your clients to uncover the negative patterns they’ve carried into their adult lives and then offer tools to reverse these patterns. You might consider using biblical models; show clients that these problems are universal and not unique to them.

5. Take charge and overcome denial.

Where there is deep emotional pain, it is difficult to face painful truths. This is why it’s important to encourage your clients not to minimize or discount destructive patterns. Half of the battle is won when clients take responsibility for what they have done or suffered.

6. Learn to think differently.

If clients are stuck in a negative or destructive mindset and it’s causing them to be stuck in some area of their lives, use a cognitive behavioral approach to help clients change and transform their way of thinking.

7. Embrace faith and avoid magical thinking.

Encourage clients to embrace the reality of their situation and apply faith-based principles to their situation. Empower them to apply practical solutions to their lives and give them tools that  they can use  in the spiritual battle raging against all believers.

8. Build a positive legacy for the next generation.

Model and express the importance of healthy modeling to the next generation.

9. Forgive others, forgive ourselves.

Provide biblical and personal illustrations (examples are given in Move Past Your Pain) for why allowing forgiveness to sweep through our lives is so necessary for healing ourselves and others.

I encourage you to use these principles to help people live out the best life God has for them. Please feel free to email me at drmary@familyoutreachcounseling.comfor comments or questions.

Mary Simms, Ph.D., empowers people to embrace their God-given purpose and live their best life. Having survived breast cancer twice, and with over twenty-five years of professional counseling and speaking experience, she knows what it takes to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds. Dr. Mary has a Ph.D. in Theocentric Counseling, masters’ degrees in both Marriage and Family and Pastoral Counseling, and is a licensed Christian Therapist. She is the Founder and Director of Family Outreach Counseling Services, a multi-ethnic and multi-cultural professional counseling private practice with a faith-based approach. As a Minister, Dr. Mary served as Associate Pastor for Light and Life Christian Fellowship, a Free Methodist Church in Long Beach, CA, and was also a career counselor at Cal State University, Long Beach for many years. She has been in private practice for over thirty years. 

By Dr. Mary M. Simms

Introduction: The Big Idea

God desires us to have intimate/connected relationships with our spouses. However, there are so many things that can block that intimacy. Intimacy is defined as a state of being close, familiar, or internally connected. Emotional intimacy is a state of connectedness that allows two individuals to share their feelings and most secret desires and goals with one another. They feel “safe” with their spouse, able to share the innermost parts of themselves with him or her. The marital relationship is supposed to be intimate, as it gives us an opportunity to fill both our developmental and God-given need to be valued, understood, and accepted by another person on three levels: spiritual, emotional and physical. In this talk we will discuss these blocks and obstacles to intimacy. Then we will discuss biblical principles and tools that you can use to start moving down the path of wholeness and recovery.

Some of the factors that can block intimacy are:

1. Anger

a) Righteous v. selfish anger: From God’s word, we learn that we’re all capable of expressing the emotion of anger in constructive or destructive ways. Jesus was a great model of how to express anger appropriately. His anger was always “righteous anger,” because he cared about the way he treated others. Sometimes our anger is “righteous,” but sometimes it’s triggered out of selfishness because we’re not getting what we want.

b) Become a fast-forgiver: God also warns us not to let the sun go down on our anger. This means that when we’re in a relationship, we need to learn how to become fast forgivers so we don’t allow anger and resentment to build up. In other words, don’t let another day go by without resolving your anger! This doesn’t mean that as human beings we won’t get angry. We are human and we will. However, as we submit to the power of the Holy Spirit and allow him to help us, finding ways to manage and deal with negative emotions, we learn how to get better at communicating anger in healthy ways—ways that won’t destroy ourselves or others. Part of the healing process involves learning how to identify the triggers that cause our anger and implement some practical principles to manage it. A big part of managing the emotion of anger is figuring out why we’re getting angry, being honest with ourselves and others, owning it, and learning how to express our anger in healthy ways.  

2. Triggers from the Past

a) Emotional scars: If we come from a background of abuse or neglect, we can develop emotional scars that can be triggered if we feel like we’re being neglected, threatened or abandoned. 

b) Example 1: A good illustration of this principle is a couple locked in a heated argument. In the course of the argument, the man tells the woman that he wants to leave, cool off, and get some perspective. The woman, hearing only that he is leaving, starts yelling, crying and having a serious meltdown.  

c) What gets triggered? When the woman in this relationship was six years old, her dad left to live with another family. So when her husband suggests that he’s just leaving temporarily to take a time out, all she hears is that he’s leaving her just like her dad did when she was a child. She feels frightened and threatened and starts yelling, throwing things and attacking him.  At this point the communication breaks down and they are not able to talk, making the situation worse.

d) Example 2: An example of another trigger is a person who’s received a lot of rejection in his life from his family. From an early age, James was sent to live with his grandmother, and Mom kept the rest of the children at home. James feels anger and resentment, wants to “belong” with the rest of his biological family, but feels very distant from them. Now James is married and feels emotionally distant from his own wife and children. When his wife approaches him with issues about how he’s “emotionally unavailable,” he just gets angry and defensive and projects blame on her. James simply doesn’t see how his past woundedness contributes to his difficulty cultivating an intimate relationship with his wife and family.

e) Be aware: The healing process involves awareness of our own triggers and how they affect our emotions and cause us to react in ways that may be unbecoming to our spouse. Once aware, we can be empowered to engage in new and healthy coping mechanisms instead of the old ones that are not effective and don’t work to bring harmony or oneness to the relationship. New coping mechanisms require transparency and vulnerability.

3. Poor Modeling

a) Example: Because of difficult circumstances and conditions, Mom had to work a lot and Dad wasn’t present in the home. Therefore, Jim had to grow up fast. When he was fourteen, he was already selling things to help Mom make money. Now he has a family of his own and is very hard on his own children. He feels they are “entitled” and doesn’t want them to be “soft.” He and his wife often argue about this issue, and it’s causing a serious rift in their marriage. His wife grew up in a home where the kids were nurtured and valued and not expected to go to work until they became young adults.  

4. Inability to Communicate Feelings or Speak Out

a) Example: Jane grew up in a home where she was sexually molested from the age of ten to thirteen. When she became an adult and married, she had a difficult time using her voice to express her needs. She’d allow anger and resentment to build up against her spouse when he didn’t recognize what she needed. The anger and resentment created walls between them, and Jane didn’t know how to use her voice as an adult to communicate what she desired.  

Some of the other things that block intimacy are:

5. Childhood trauma

6. Poor Self-Image

7. False or Negative Beliefs

8. Past Sexual or Physical Abuse or Neglect

9. Brokenness from Past Relationships

— But here are some tools that can help you recover:

1. Affirm!

• Affirmation involves building up a relationship by giving positive and encouraging words to another person. The book of James tells us that the tongue is an unruly member.

2. Invest time and energy into the relationship.

• To be successful at anything, you have to work at it. Marriage is no different.  You must make deposits if you want to have something to take out. And if you’re constantly taking withdrawals, you’ll have nothing to pull from when you really have a need.

3. Seek a truth-filled, Christ-centered, positive perspective.

• Sometimes we have cognitive distortions that hinder our seeing things clearly.  Sometimes issues like rejection, abandonment and anger get in the way, too. Ask God to give you a clear perspective of what’s going on in your situation. Sometimes we don’t always see our own blind spots. Jesus can give you clarity and help you see clearly.

4. Learn to fight fair.

• In an intimate relationship, conflict will occur. That’s just part of life. We are different people with different ideas about how to resolve issues. It’s important not fear conflict but instead learn healthy ways to engage in it. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict, stay in your lane, and be open and teachable to your partner.

5. Remember that you’re on the same team.

• Couples in conflict often don’t see themselves on the same team. They feel divided; sometimes they even form coalitions with other family members to be on their team. This doesn’t help build intimacy in a marriage. The principle of leaving and cleaving applies here. No matter what happens, you’re both in this relationship together, and you must work out your difficulties without triangling others in. An exception is, of course, when there is abuse or you are seeking professional help.

6. Establish healthy boundaries in your relationship. 

7. Practice healthy communication.

• Our personality traits and modeling from our parents or guardians all contribute to how we communicate with our spouse. Healthy communication means being open and honest and communicating your needs and your feelings. We can’t always trust ourselves to know what we want or need, but our wonderful and gracious heavenly Father knows what is best for us. In practicing healthy communication, we can always go to our faithful Father first and communicate with him. Once he helps us get the right perspective, we can communicate with our spouse. When we invite God into our situation, he can transform our perspective about the situation and enable us to wait on him to bring about positive transformation in the relationship.

Conclusion:

• Embrace each other’s sexuality and view it as a gift from God. Sexuality is a gift from God and must be used in accordance with His standards if we want to live a rich and blessed life. A separate talk on sexuality will follow.

When I was a little girl, I loved the story of the Wizard of Oz.  I followed Dorothy’s journey as she followed a heart determined to find a way back home.  Once she found the wizard, she soon discovered the magic to get back home was not what she thought it would be—the wizard did not have the power to grant her request.  She discovered that God had already placed the answer to her problems within her.  

All of her traveling companions, the lion, the scarecrow and the tin man, in the process of their search developed the character qualities that they thought would come from an external source.  During the journey of looking for courage, a heart, and some brains, they soon discovered that the journey provided the opportunity to strengthen the God given qualities that were already within them, but needed to be tested and brought out through adversity. Real life is a lot like the Wizard of Oz story.  It is a journey that can be filled with excitement and joy of a long-awaited desire. It can also contain long seasons of adversity that are sometimes met with the unknown. These seasons can represent uncertainty, change, difficult transitions, unmet expectations and disappointment.  In life’s journey,  however, God often uses things like change and transition to  develop character, renew  purpose,  and grow closer to him as well as  assist others  along their journey.  

Change, transition, and moving forward are all words that describe the seasons of life.  On one hand, these words can trigger fear of the unknown, anxiety and worry about the future.  On the other hand, these words can stand for excitement, new beginnings, and positive change. Transitions take some time getting used to.  It is the process of gradually learning how to adapt to and accept change while learning the life skills necessary  to make life work effectively.  An illustration of a transitional season is the idea of going from being single to being married.  When I was a single person many years ago, my mindset and focus was that of a single person.   I was only concerned about being responsible for and developing myself. When I decided to get married, it took me time to realize that the choices I made affected my spouse.  And there were consequences for these choices.  Conflict erupted because of having a single mindset.  An example was when I wanted to decorate our home, he wanted to have input into the decision-making process.  I had the mindset of always doing things my way.  I had to stop thinking about what I wanted and had to start including my spouse in the decision-making process.  When I wanted to spend “my” money any way I desired, I began to see that my narrow thinking  affected our financial goals on building something together that we both could benefit from.  Scripture tells us that a house divided against itself cannot stand.  I had to start considering our goals instead of just my goals.  This involved thinking differently as well as learning some new tools of conflict management and communicating more effectively.   

Another transition was when we started having a family; I remember still having the mindset of a married person without children.  I remember telling a colleague about my dreams and goals and where I wanted to land before I turned 30. I was an intensely driven, type “A” personality making it happen in my career.  I was working on a master’s degree and working full time with a husband and was pregnant with our first child.      Soon the question came “So, what are your plans when your child arrives?  Do you plan on continuing to work and go to school”?  I really did not have an answer to my friends   question and at the time just flipped her off by answering in some ambiguous, non-accountable way such as “Oh, yes, I have considered that”.  However, God used that question to stop me dead in my tracks.   God was trying to open my blind eyes to  see that  the transition that I was making was an important one and needed  the same type of energy and planning that I put into my  other life choices.  He was trying to teach to me to enjoy the journey and make the most out of the season that I was in instead of trying to hurry out of it.  He was trying to assist me to understand the importance of the parenting role and the stewardship that he had blessed us with as parents.    If I am always living for the next season, then I cannot enjoy the present season that I am in and the lessons that might come from that season.  

In making transitions, sometimes our past can get in the way of helping us to see clearly.  Meet Bob and Sue.   Bob and Sue came into my office for premarital counseling.  He made his feelings known about his commitment to marry Sue.   “I really want to marry Sue, I love her”.  “Well”, she responded, “what are you going to do about your mother “?  “You always put your mom first, ahead of me”, she stated. “No, I don’t,” he added. “I’ve just been used to listening to her advice because she has a lot of wisdom”, he responded.   “Well, Sue retorted, you are already asking her for an opinion before you ask me, and I am supposed to be your partner”. 

Making this transition will be difficult for Bob because dad died when he was young, and he is used to helping mom with the daily struggles of life.  In order for him to make the transition to the mindset of leaving and cleaving, he has to see the pattern that has been established in his life. Once he sees it, then he can do something about it.  If he stays in denial about the pattern, he will continue to have the conflict.  Adopting the biblical principle of leaving and cleaving is necessary if he is to form a healthy foundation for his marriage relationship.  

Some seasons are difficult, and all require cultivating or learning faith-based truth principles to meet the demands of the new season that you are in. For example, becoming a parent for the very first time doesn’t come with an automatic manual.  There are biblically based principles on parenting, stewardship, and family priorities in God’s word that can give you new tools. Retraining for a different career, learning to balance both career and family, sending your only child away to college and becoming an empty nester, getting through menopause  and embracing the second part of your life all require an ability to adapt and change and flow into the new season with flexibility, a teachable heart, and acceptance. 

What about those transitions that may be unexpected, such as a divorce or death of a spouse.  How does one cope with the crises of divorce or loss and recover effectively?  Here are a few principles that can help you through these difficult transitions.

• Cultivate a positive faith-based perspective about change and transitions-   I am a ten year cancer survivor and was diagnosed with breast cancer twice, once in l994 and then again in 1997.  I have been cancer free for over ten years.  I was in my clinical practice at the time enjoying working with my patients and helping them with their difficult issues when I was diagnosed.  It was a difficult place to be emotionally.  The one thing that helped me through it was not only a loving family to speak faith into my life but my own personal relationship with a powerful God who I believe loved me and had a purposeful plan for my life.    I looked to His word to give me guidance and direction during this difficult time.  During the time of my own crises, I clung to God as never before, and felt His presence in helping me to get through this illness.  Looking to His word gave me both comfort and direction and assurance that He was watching out over my life (Psalm 121) during these crises.     

•  Establish a healthy Support System- During times of change and transition, it is important to find safe people that will support you through the transition.  In my clinical practice of over eighteen years, I’ve seen that people who recover from crises successfully seem to have healthy and loving people around them who provide encouragement and support.  If you don’t have a healthy support system, then you can develop one by finding a healthy church that teaches both biblically based and life application principles for effective living.  Also, most churches offer small groups that can  offer a loving, safe, and growth filled environment.

• Face your pain- Some transitions require doing the work of grieving.  In my work with people who have gone through loss, such as death or divorce of a spouse, it is important to allow time for grieving.  When such loss occurs, various emotions can take over, which  involve the various  stages of grief.  These can include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then finally acceptance.   Working through loss is not easy, even when it is by choice such as a divorce. If a person moves on too quickly, instead of facing or working through their loss, they can make decisions that can cause them a lot of pain in the future.  

• Seek medical treatment or professional counseling- Some transitions require professional counseling, and some require medical treatment.  For example, if a person is undergoing physical changes due to menopause, it may be helpful to seek a physician’s advice.  For someone struggling with clinical depression because of a major loss, it may be necessary to seek professional counseling.    The bible says that there is wisdom in many counselors, so there is no stigma attached to seeing someone who can give Godly counsel. A good therapist or psychologist can facilitate insight into the loss and also help the person understand the process of grieving and the emotions associated with it.

Perhaps the biggest tool that is available  in helping you through difficult transitions is to know that you are loved and valued by a personal, powerful and loving God who has a great plan for your life.  Even when you are discouraged because of unexpected disappointment in the transition, you have to take hold of the promise that God is still shaping your life and has not forgotten you.  He is still in control no matter what difficulty you are working through or what lies in front of you.  And he is still speaking and employing His redemptive grace in your life.

 Naomi, the woman described in the book of Ruth knew about God’s redemptive grace. She had experienced multiple losses on several levels. Picture this, you’re in a foreign land, and your immediate family, your husband and your sons die.  Imagine how you might feel, lonely, depressed, devastated, angry and unloved.   Your finances are gone!  Bankrupt!   On top of all of this, there is a famine in the land, which is severe.  It sure does not feel like she has anything to hold onto.  She finally remembers, however, that the LORD had come to the aid of her people in Jerusalem, and she decides to head towards a safe place which represents truth, light and life.  As she and her daughter in law Ruth move towards the new place, Bethlehem, God begins to guide and direct their paths in ways that bring much fruit and blessing to their lives. 

Naomi’s transition back to Bethlehem is difficult.  She starts off in despair.  As she greets her former friends upon her return to Bethlehem she says “Don’t call me Naomi, she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.  I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty.  Why call me Naomi?  The Lord has afflicted me; the almightily has brought misfortune upon me”.  (Ruth 1: 20-21).  I can relate to Naomi’s pain.  Sometimes it is difficult to see a bright future when the circumstances look bleak.  Naomi is a good model for us because even though she had a hopeless perspective, she moved towards God and not away from Him by heading to Bethlehem.

Naomi is so discouraged during this transition that she tells both of her daughter in laws (the only support system she has left is in Moab)  not to even bother  taking the trip to Jerusalem with her.   She tells them that there is nothing in it for them. “Return home, my daughters, why would you come with me?  Am I going to have any more sons, who could become your husband’s?  Return home, my daughters; I am too old to have another husband.  Even if I thought there was still hope for me—even if I had a husband tonight and then gave birth to sons– would you wait until they grew up? Would you remain unmarried for them? No, my daughters.  It is bitterer for me than for you, because the Lord’s hand has gone out against me!”     (Ruth 1: 11-13)  Orpah leaves, but Ruth clings to her bitter mother in law. 

Upon their arrival in Bethlehem, Ruth gets a job as a gleaner working in the fields to support them.  As it turns out, she happens to be working in a field where a man named Boaz is the owner. Boaz just happens to be a wealthy relative on Naomi’s side of the family.   Naomi’s understanding was first darkened due to her losses and she did not see any hope for her future, as she moves through the transition with a good support system, her friends and her daughter in law, she starts remembering that Boaz is a close relative and could redeem their difficult situation.  

 Boaz falls in love with Ruth, they get married, and they have a son named Obed.  She starts seeing God’s hand in orchestrating the restoration of their lives.  Whereas Naomi thought her legacy was over, here then comes the Lord rewriting history.  Obed is from the generational line that leads to Jesus Christ.  

 Both Ruth and Naomi’s lives are restored! The legacy is alive and well, and where there was death and destruction, now there is life, peace and joy.  Boaz was called a “kinsmen redeemer”, that is, he was a wealthy relative who was available to marry the dead man’s widow and provide for her.   Jesus is the ultimate kinsmen redeemer.  He brings life to dark places; he restores broken things and gives us strength to get through difficult seasons and the grace to move towards the great plan and destiny that he has for our lives.  

In my work as a Christian therapist for over twenty-five years, I have discovered many valuable insights.  Perhaps the first and most significant insight is that Christian counseling is a “calling” and a sacred trust.  This means that we must take seriously the lives and souls that we meet and provide the best quality of care to help people to live Christ centered lives.   

 The second significant truth that I have learned as a Christian Therapist over many years is that the more that we allow Christ to transform our lives through His transformative power, grace, and His principles, the more effective we become at helping others live healthy balanced lives.   

Over the years, I have had the privilege of sitting with many people from all walks of life and I’ve found one theme is prevalent—people tend to repeat patterns from their past that can hinder their growth and keep them stuck from achieving all the great things that God has for them.   Examples of these negative patterns are presented in my book, Move Past your Pain, Discover Your purpose. 

The book gives principles and case studies of how generational cycles can repeat if we are not aware of them. This post, with its focus on the nine principles that are spelled out in the book, is designed to become a small group study that will guide clinicians and lay counselors in assisting people to recover their lives. The platform for the six to nine-week study is presented below:

Week 1

My Story:  The first chapter in the book provides a guide for clinicians to use by allowing them to look at the authors personal story and then to model for clients their own personal story in a group setting.  This principle comes from the biblical principle that we are all broken in some area of our lives.  (Romans 3:23)   Modeling transparency and vulnerability to the client of the therapist’s background gives the client permission to look at themselves without judgement or criticism.  As the the clinician and or lay counselor guides the client to write their own story and then share it in a small confidential closed group, therapists and lay counselors are encouraged to validate their stories and encourage personal growth, and identify future therapeutic goals.   

Week 2

Patterns that Repeat:  Clinicians will help people to construct a genogram that will give them a visual of their background, family of origan, and patterns that connect to current issues in their lives that may need to be dealt with.  Examples are given in Move Past Your Pain.

Week 3

Stress and Patterns:  Clinicians and lay counselors will help to identify past and current stressors and coping mechanisms that are used to handle stress. Healthy methods are illustrated of how to handle past and current stressors and how to cope in a Christ Centered way.  Old behaviors are identified and a journal is kept on implementing new coping behaviors.

Week 4

Generational Patterns: Clinicians will help clients identify negative patterns that repeat throughout their adult lives and then identify tools to reverse these patterns. Biblical models are also used to show that these can be universal problems and not just unique to clients who are struggling

Week 5 

Taking Charge and Overcoming Denial: Clinicians/counselors will help clients not to minimize or discount destructive patterns.  Half of the battle for clients is taking responsibility to own and deal with their issues.  When there is emotional pain, it is difficult to face painful truths.

Week 6

Learning to Think Differently:  Clinicians and lay counselors will use a cognitive behavioral approach to help clients change their thinking if it is causing them to be stuck in some area of their lives.  

Week 7

Magical Thinking, Faith, and The Fight: Clinicians and lay counselors help clients embrace the reality of their situation and apply faith based principles to their situation.    Also, clinicians will help clients apply practical solutions to their lives and give tools in joining with the client in fighting the spiritual battle that is against all believers.

Week 8

Building a Positive Legacy for the Next generation: Clinicians and lay counselors will model and express the importance of healthy modeling to the next generation and give examples.

Week 9

Forgiving Others, Forgiving Ourselves: Clinicians and lay counselors will provide biblical and personal illustrations from Dr. Simms book to identify why the principle of forgiveness in our lives is so necessary for healing ourselves and others.

Life is filled with both good and bad surprises!  

It’s nice when everything in our lives is going well. When we make plans and dream, and do business as usual. But what happens when adversity weighs in and seems to take over our lives? When the pain seems paralyzing?  

That’s what recently happened to me. I was working in my clinical practice, enjoying pouring into people’s lives and basking in an abundance of physical energy that I’ve always taken for granted.

It started with a dry cough—that was all. No other symptoms. My husband noticed it and suggested that I go in and get checked. But I dismissed it as lung irritation from all the wildfire smoke we were being exposed to in Southern California. 

At the time I actually felt great—having just lost some weight and keeping up with my 10,000 steps per day—so I wasn’t concerned. 

We went on vacation to Texas and enjoyed family time, and I had no idea I was about to face such a serious illness. The coughing increased upon our return from Texas, so my husband took me to the emergency room. They took an X-ray immediately and discovered that I had bilateral pneumonia in both lungs. The doctor admitted me to the hospital in order to fight this illness aggressively. He described my condition as a “big pneumonia” and said it could take three to six months to recover.

Usually I’m a pretty healthy person. I recover quickly and hit the ground running like a rabbit. But this time my “big pneumonia” eventually became an auto-immune problem that would take some time to heal and force me to rest. 

Rest—that’s a word that I’m not used to, either. I like keeping busy and feeling productive. And though I’m grateful I will recover from this illness, I’ve felt so many losses from not being able to keep up with my normal routine. I’ve discovered that dealing with losses in income, energy and feeling purposeless and unproductive can lead easily to discouragement and depression, and result in the cultivation of daily pity parties.  

Thankfully, when I do get discouraged, I can look back at past experiences and remember how God has seen me through much adversity. I’ve had my share of pain. I’ve survived breast cancer twice, and my husband had a subdural hematoma in 2012 which came with a lot of uncertainty. But he’s doing quite well now with no residual affects! A few years ago, my daughter had a surgery that became serious and life threating. She is doing great now, and we are grateful that she’s healthy!

God has been faithful through all of this adversity. I’ve learned how to lean on Him for His peace, love, comfort and direction and to really cry out to Him for His amazing grace and mercy in my circumstances. 

Below are some principles that have helped me in my recovery. My prayer is that they will help you also. Recovery from an illness or loss usually involves a marathon, not a sprint. In other words, it takes time. 

Here are a few short principles:

• Prioritize what is most valuable – that’s YOU! Slow down and take care of yourself.   Slowing down requires letting go and surrendering to what is directly in front of you and taking one step at a time. It means redefining priorities and rethinking what is most important (instead of merely what you think is important). It means giving yourself permission to let go of whatever drains your time, finances, and energy.  

• Reframe your thinking – Often when we don’t feel well, we can dwell on all the negative aspects of a situation. But are you also able to recognize the positive aspects? Are you open to learning some great lessons that might propel you forward into a better quality of life? If you are entrenched in seeing the negative, it will be difficult to embrace the changes that can invite a new season into your life.    

• Grieve the losses – Experiencing an illness can bring about great loss—loss of time, loss of resources, loss of independence. Sometimes we need help grieving our losses with a clergy member, a therapist, or a friend. Grieving helps us let go of and forgive the past and enables us to accept a new normal. 

• Rely and lean on the One who promises to never leave or forsake you, the One who knows the days that He has ordained for you. Cultivate a personal relationship with Jesus and believe that God loves you and wants the best for your life!